


A day in the life

by trollkin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Agnostic Character, Angst, Eating Disorders, Gods, Injury, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, friend drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-22 13:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21302624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trollkin/pseuds/trollkin
Summary: Dirk wakes up and has a shit morning
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	A day in the life

The day starts with self criticism. I wake up, and groan. The memories of yesterday come flooding in and I wish I could go back to sleep.  
Maybe it was a dream? Opening my eyes and lifting my arms into my field of view reveals that it was not, in fact, just a nightmare.  
I hurt Jake, and as punishment, I hurt myself; but that didn't fix anything. Of course not. It never does.

My fingers glide over the cuts as I relive what happened, step through every sentence like a debugger can step through lines of code. Analyze my fuck-ups. I press my fingers into the wounds as I iterate over the worst bits. 

When I'm through with that, I sit up and look out of the windows. It's sunny. It's always sunny.

I feel like the clear sky is mocking me.

With a sigh I get up and go to the bathroom. I hope that a hot shower will burn the feelings away, and it kinda works. I dry my hair with a towel and walk back into my room, searching for something to wear. The red dress shirt and black jeans win, and I put the suspenders on too. I look into the mirror as I put gel in my hair and apply hairspray. It makes me feel like a person again. I do this for myself. Not that there would be anyone around to see it, not ever, since I'm the last living person on the planet. Except for Roxy, I guess. But I'm avoiding her.

After that, I go on to the next part of my morning rituals. Honoring the gods. Not that I would pray or light candles or worship them, I'm not even sure if gods exist, I'm very agnostic (and also kind of confused, but I wouldn't admit that to my friends). So I don't try to talk to the gods or anything, and I don't think of any specific deities, but I sit on the rooftop and watch the rising sun and philosophize about existence and deities and the universe. If they exist, they would probably appreciate that one of the last two people on earth thinks about them sometimes and wonders what they might be like. It just feels right.

That concludes my morning rituals. I don't usually eat breakfast, it's supposed to be unhealthy to skip it but I can't bring myself to care. I just don't have the appetite. One meal a day is enough to keep me going, it's worked for years so why change that?

I should log on and see how my friends are doing. I don't really feel like it, though. I'll just let the AR handle it. Oh shit, I need to apologize to Jake. I can't let the AR apologize, because I know he won't, he'll just make it worse.

I put on my badass anime shades and turn them on, expecting to see lots of messages, but there are none. Not even from Roxy, and she usually floods me with messages right after waking up to tell me about her dreams, or she floods me at night when she's staying up too long again. But, nothing. What does this mean? Maybe they all hate me now?

I try to wave the thoughts away. Jake probably told Roxy not to talk to me about the issue and now she's unsure how to approach me at all. Or maybe she overslept again. Or she's playing that online game again.

The thought is still there, bothering me, but I have my emotions under control again. I just need to write an apology, as hard as that is. I don't even know where to start. Should I explain what I was thinking when I said those things, or would that be making up excuses? How do I express how sorry I am, without making it about myself?

It takes me about an hour to produce a few paragraphs that seem alright to me. I wrote them on a text app, because I don't want Jake to see me typing for an hour. Now I'm copying them into Pesterchum. After some hesitation I click send. 

Strange. It won't mark the message as delivered. Now that I think about it, I'm not seeing his last online status either. Fear wells up in me, and I go check on the other two. Also nothing. I start to shake as I realize that they must have blocked me. All three of them. My only friends. They really hate me now.

"Now, Dirk, don't lose your cool. You don't need them. You're better off on your own anyway" I lie to myself. It's not working. I start fingering my cuts again, when the Auto-Responder suddenly turns on and with a sarcastic tone informs me that the internet hasn't been working in the last two hours, something with the router. I take the shades off and throw them through the room. Fuck you.

I go and reboot the router, when I get back to my shades there's a message from Jake telling me that he accepts my apology and 20 from Roxy proposing to hang out IRL again. I mark them as read and go sit on the roof to take a breather.


End file.
